Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
