He disabled his match.com account in front of me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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