Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
