It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
