my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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