i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wish my penis had a tongue
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
