my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
