You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
