My cat gives me a boner
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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