I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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