Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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