so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
