Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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