oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
