the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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