There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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