So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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