Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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