2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
