its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I need to wash the frat house off of me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
