She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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