I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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