Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
