omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
