you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I die, sorry about rent.
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