No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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