just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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