Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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