You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
