i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
