I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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