giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
