i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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