Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
