Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
