Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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