I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
