just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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