wakey wakey hands off snakey
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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