when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
