I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
People in love make me want to vomit
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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