i just wanna soil my oats bro
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
