I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
