bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
