Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
last night I used snow as a chaser
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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