I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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