I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
