I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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