so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
