i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
