saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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