The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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