last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
