she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
