Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
