i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
