Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
