Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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