foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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