I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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