I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
