We're facebook friends in real life
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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